Monday, May 13, 2013

The Dark Side of Juicing

Yes, there is a dark side to's called a beet.

Beets are hard-core.  Seriously, vicious.

I'm not exaggerating.  They will kick your ass.  Into next year.

They are dangerous.  I think they might actually be Satan in vegetable form.

I'm now afraid to open my crisper, because I know.  There are.  Beets.  In.  There.

I have had prior, fairly pleasant experiences with beets, both roasted and pickled.

Except, to be honest, that one time when I ate a whole dish of grains and roasted beets with beet juice, and the next day terrified myself with a bright red poop which made me think I was dying, until I remembered the festival of beets I had eaten the night before.

But never before had I juiced a beet.  Listen to me.  Save yourself.  Don't do it.

I am trying to boost my iron intake, and the first iron supplement I took made me almost puke in the shower, so I decided to try and increase my iron levels with food, if possible.

Beets are supposed to be a good source of iron, so I thought, what the hell, I like beets, let's give it a go!

The first recipe we tried called for 2 beets, and since the ones we got at the market were small, I decided to use about 6.

Steve texted me the next morning and told me to take it easy with the beet-juice concoction, since he had felt really sick for a while after he'd drunk his.  Steve has an iron stomach, so for him to say something made him feel sick should have been a giant flashing warning light to me.  I drank about 2 sips and decided to get rid of the rest, just in case.

This morning, because we still had beets left, i decided to try again, this time with fewer beets.  I used 2 small beets, plus a bunch of carrots, some apples and pears.  It tasted delicious, and i thought the beet juice was diluted enough to not cause any issues.

Cut to me spending the next hour in and out of the bathroom, almost puking in the shower yet again, and then getting in bed for half the day.

This was very exciting for the dog, who happily jumped up on the bed next to me, and then spent the next hour and a half systematically and incrementally (while pretending to be asleep) pushing me all the way to the edge of the bed until I could no longer turn over without falling out.

I spent a bit of time after that doing some research on beets, and here is what I learned (all according to The Cancer Nutrition Center):

Beet juice is super-detoxifying, and can dump too many toxins into the liver, more than the liver can successfully process, causing a person (me) to feel ill.

It can paralyze your vocal chords. Why, I do not know.  Presumably to prevent a person from crying out for help.  This is very important in the service of beet-domination.

Beets have a strong effect on gut motility and the lower intestinal tract.  This is what can cause a person (me), to poop out everything she has eaten since the sixth grade after consuming them.

They are strong medicine, and can cause vomiting and general weakness.

They can cause redness of the stool and urine.  This actually has a name "Beeturia", I kid you not.  But don't worry, the site reassures, this does not mean you are bleeding internally.

Not yet anyway.

You will be soon, though, if the beets have their way.

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