Ossuccio and Villa del Balbianello

Greetings from Ossuccio, Italy, a tiny town on the western bank of Lake Como. The apartment is beautiful, and the views from our front balcony are stunning (photo at left), but the bells, my God, the bells. Never in my life have I experienced such an overabundance of bells. Why on earth, does one town need so many bells?

Of course, the problem is, in this area, there is one tiny town next to another, and they are extremely close together but still separate so that each town has its own church with its own bells, and these bells must all compete with one another and out-chime each other so that there is in fact a constant cacophony of bells.

And I am not kidding when I say these bells are constant. THEY ARE CONSTANT. Even now, as I write this, the 4:30 bells are chiming (but because it’s Italy, the 4:30 bells are actually chiming at 4:33). These bells are chiming out a tuneless song that now will last for at least 5 minutes.

Bells chime on the hour; they chime on the half hour; sometimes they even chime on the quarter-hour. Sometimes they chime out the time of day, but other times they just lazily ring and bing and bong for no apparent reason. They chime ALL NIGHT LONG, and at 12:30am and 7:30 am there is a particularly long and exuberant session that causes the dog out back to start howling, and ends just in time for the 7:45 bells to begin.

Never in my life have I heard so many bells, and I believe that some government somewhere will discover their usefulness as a form of torture. I’m telling you, if I had any secrets to tell I’d be spilling them now, just to get the bells to stop ringing. Please, I beg you, MAKE THEM STOP!!!!

Poor Steve is sleeping with ear plugs again, and both of us these last two mornings have woken up by 6am and have been unable to go back to sleep.

The bells are not the only issue, unfortunately. The house sits right on a very busy road, and so on top of the bells there is the added sound of cars, trucks and motorcycles rolling by day and night. The windows have pretty good sound proofing, but not enough to block it out completely, and with the beautiful view, it is a shame to not be able to enjoy the lake with the windows open.

Needless to say, it is not particularly peaceful. The street we lived on in Brooklyn was quieter than this, to give you some idea. In fact the car noise is not far off an NYC street, though without all the sirens.

There is a reason that the owners of this house ask for the money up front in cash! And it’s a real shame because the apartment is lovely and the view of the lake is extraordinary. It’s just a bit trickier to enjoy it than we would have liked. And when you’re so tired because you haven’t slept because of the street noise and the bells, it’s harder still.

I thought the bells in Alsace were bad; those at least stopped from midnight until, I think, 8 or 9 am. What I wouldn’t give for those bells now!

OK, enough complaining!!

On our first full day here, we walked over to Villa del Balbianello. For those of you who saw Casino Royale, the beautiful grounds of this villa were used as the site of James Bond’s (Daniel Craig) recovery after having his goolies smashed in by the evil Le Chiffre.

For those of you who saw that movie, I imagine you will agree with me that that scene was one of the most preposterous in Bond history. I mean, I know I’m not a man, but I was under the impression that if a guy got whacked very hard repeatedly in the old beanbags with a baseball-sized knot of rope, that man would, I don’t know….die.

Or at least pass out. Or vomit. Or both. Simultaneously. But not our James Bond. Nooooo. What does he do? He yells a bit, and then he laughs, and asks the man to do it again, because he has an itch.

Then, a few days later, he has sex. Repeatedly. Because it takes more than broken balls to keep James Bond from getting’ his groove on. I only wish they had shown Vesper's face when she got a look at Bond's manhood surrounded by eggplant-sized testicles, because, I'm sorry, those babies would swell.

Rain for the next few days, so I imagine things will be quiet: lots of sitting in cafes reading, or doing laundry, or watching Casino Royale on my computer.

Back soon, hopefully, with wine!!!