Wine for Five Years

Tomorrow is Steve's and my five-year wedding anniversary.

In light of my parents' upcoming 50th anniversary, five years pales a bit in comparison, but it is a milestone nonetheless.

In honor of our anniversary, I have a story to tell. It is a little sappy and a tad on the personal side, but I've already shared my head-in-window incident as well as our post-pee proposal story, so I think you and I are pretty close by now.

Here goes:

I went through a hard few years, stretched mostly over the time we lived in Charlotte and the first year we lived here in San Francisco. I have already mentioned my "slight anxiety issue", but to be honest, it was not so slight. Over those years, it got worse and worse, to the point where I was really not able to live my life fully. It took a while to realize what was going on and to get some help/medication, etc. (which I did with fantastic results).

I was, essentially, trapped in myself, and this is so depressing, frustrating, etc. and over the years, led to a lot of tears. What is hard to realize while going through it yourself, is how difficult it can be for your spouse: to watch someone you love be sad, and anxious and unable to function fully is, I think, agonizing.

Anyway, one evening here is San Francisco, Steve and I had yet another difficult time: I don't even remember the specifics, but I was crying and we were both upset, and we went to bed feeling terrible.

Steve normally bounced back quickly from these kinds of evenings, and I expected the next morning to be no different. But instead he woke up still feeling awful, and he was quiet and down, and when he left for work I thought "well that's it. He's had it with me. He can't take it anymore, and he is going to decide that he no longer wants to be married to me."

He called later to say that he was feeling better, and I confessed my fear that he was going to decide that he didn't want to be married to me anymore; that I and my problems were just too much trouble.

And then he said something lovely. I don't remember the exact words, but the gist of it was that I was not ever allowed to think like that, because going through these things together is what marriage is. It was, he reminded me, kind of the crux of those vows we said to each other when we got married.

I am embarrassed to say that I had not thought about that. The vows, it seems, can just become part of the wedding day, they're just what you say before the party begins. We know them, or a version of them, so well, they almost lose their meaning. Certainly they can be hard to remember on a day-to-day basis, when you're in the trenches, dealing with some of the crap that life can throw your way.

But I have never forgotten Steve's saying that to me, and in some way it re-booted my way of thinking about marriage. Certainly, there are some things that cannot be gotten over, and there are so many reasons that marriages fall apart, so I don't mean to over-simplify, but for me, realizing that those vows we made to each other on our wedding day (namely to love and hang in there with each other through the good and the bad), are not just words, has been immensely powerful and comforting. Vows, they are these tremendous promises that you make to each other.

It's all well and good to make those vows when the going is smooth and lovely, but it is another thing entirely to remember, believe in and have faith in them when the going gets a little rougher. That is, of course, when you need them most. They are called vows for a reason; they are not to be made lightly.

My Wine for Five Years is the truly special Stag's Leap Wine Cellars 2006 Artemis Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine, at $55 a bottle, is not exactly cheap, but we are, after all, celebrating.

This wine is beautifully rich, smooth, and full-bodied, with all those delicious Cabernet notes of blackberry, cassis, plum and baking spice. The finish goes on and on, and the whole wine is beautifully balanced. It is a very special wine for any special occasion.